I write because without imagining life outside mine, I am unknowing. I write because if I kept all my feeling bottled up inside of me, I would have gone crazy by now. I disguise my feelings in story and character because if people heard me directly say it, they would think me absolutely insane. I write because of the joy it brings me. There isn't a thing in this world that makes me happier. I write because I like to express everything I love, and because I'm much better at putting it down on paper than voicing it. I write because it's all I want to do with my life.

I don't know what I did, but literally, half a page just deleted. Fan-fricken-tastic. 

I started writing about my day off. I had no desire to wake up this morning, so I just went into my mom's room and asked if I could take a day off. She just mumbled, "Mmm-hmm," half asleep as I scrambled back under my covers to fall asleep again. She's pretty cool with that, seeing as that I'm a senior, an NHS member in one of our state's most competitive high schools, and a Rutgers 2012 accepted student who still for some reason, has to show up to school everyday. In order to graduate, I am required to pass English, Gym and Child Development. Yes, my grades in Child Development and Yoga ride on my graduating.

Anyway, I think there should be a rule that says, "If you have been accepted into college, you do not need to show up." If this were true I would have been done with high-school December 21, 2007 at approximately 2:30 P.M. when I logged onto the computer in Miss Mulvey's health class to discover that I was accepted to Rutgers. Best. moment. of. senior. year. It was probably the proudest moment of my life to date, being accepted to a top university like Rutgers, the number 59 university in the country, and 20th ranked state school in the USA. I get gitty thinking about next year.

Every senior in MHS and probably all around the country is getting pumped for college. They're all excited about moving away from home and how pretty the campus is and partying while I'm excited about learning. haha. Does that make me a geek? I'm genuinely excited to learn what I want to learn and finally focus on what I want to do with my life. I'm majoring in English. All my life, English has been the class I've always, "got." I just did. (I am excluding junior year, English III Honors, which I still did decently in but was really challenged because of the wonderful Mrs. Wilson) English is fun, it's interesting, it's engaging. It's my language and it's simple. I've always been the one to get passionate about the books we're reading in class while everyone else just kind of skims the words and sparknote it. This year, we had to read Demian by Herman Hesse, and to this day, I still testify that it was the most disturbing piece of literature that I have ever had to read in my entire seventeen years of living. Herman Hesse was a very, very, strange man. Yet, nobody else found it scary. There I was, in bed at midnight, reading this story about how a nice young boy named Emil Sinclair meets a boy named Max Demian who thinks Cain was the righteous one and fills Sinclair's mind with ridiculous ideas. It's not so bad until Emil goes to school, paints a picture that he thinks is so familiar, who he ends up falling in love with. He's so obsessed with this painting, and so in love, yet he can't realize why it's so familiar. Suddenly, he gets it: It's the face of DEMIAN. AHHHH. I closed the book and had trouble sleeping after that. It was utterly terrifying and so disturbing. I didn't want to open it after that. Meanwhile everyone in class is like, "It was just a painting..." Holy crap, he paints a picture, garners an obsession with it and falls in love only to discover the entire time it was the face of Demian!

My mother understood. She read Steppenwolf by Hesse and said it was pretty disturbing as well. Hesse's other novel that we read in class, Siddhartha, wasn't bad though, it was fairly normal.

I have rehearsals today again. Thus far, we've made progress but it's still awkward. I think that's always the case in the beginning of a play. Everyone needs time to engage themselves in their characters and then we all really start shining. It's so much fun though. It's absolutely hilarious to watch rehearsals. I love being in the shows and I love acting cause it's almost like a game. We paint a picture to the audience, hiding our true personas. We know so much that they don't know: who we really are, what we really like, what we're really thinking, etc. It's fun to just pretend for a couple hours with your friends. I don't think I could ever give up acting. For me, besides writing, nothing's more fun. 

Anyway, I really have to work on AP Euro. 
<3nadia

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